I Think Hinge Wants Me to Hate Myself

The other day I saw a dating show style Youtube video called "Tinder in Real Life." I think the end-times for dating may be nigh.

If you go on YouTube and search “Tinder in Real Life,” you will get literally hundreds of results. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we use to call Tinder online dating? When did this flip? When did Dating Apps become the control variable and meeting people in person become the shtick? I literally hate dating apps, so this realization has been incredibly existentially horrifying to me.

Will I ever find love? I guess probably not.

I’m stuck with Hinge. I’ve been on the Raya waitlist for like two years, which is insane because I can guarantee you I am more interesting than most of the people on that app (so that’s their loss I guess.) I refuse to message first, sorry the patriarchy has to be good for one thing, so Bumble is out of the question. And I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to make another dating profile on Tinder. So Hinge it is.

And you know what? Hinge is a scam.

The “Dating App Designed to be Deleted” my ass. Yeah, designed to be deleted because I want to die every time I open it. Literally, why would I pay money to send someone a Rose? That is so embarrassing. Like I don’t want them to know that I think they are out of my league. Hinge should create a “stealth-rose” where it gives you the benefits of being at the top of their likers, but they don’t know that you paid for that. Hinge would make more money off of that. Idiots.

I also have convinced myself that the reason no one good ever likes me on Hinge is because all the cool, hot people have me hidden behind their rose pay wall because I am cool and hot. And they too, refuse to send one of those mortifying roses.

Also… don’t like me on Hinge. That’s honestly gross. I guess I’m really setting myself up for failure, but people liking me on Hinge is a major ick of mine. My other ick is being called beautiful. Don’t perceive me. (And also someone listing a religion that isn’t Jewish. Listen, I will date a non-jew, that’s fine. It’s just that I honestly don’t care what your religion is up front. The only reason I take note when people say they are Jewish is so I know what their mom is like.)

On A More Intellectual Note:

Genuinely, for my personality type and dating mindset, I don’t think dating apps work. And that really really sucks. Sure, some people find love and are successful on dating apps. And congrats! Truly.

Couldn’t be me though.

First of all, I am a vibes based flirter. I’m self aware that I’m weird and intense, and I think that comes off a lot differently online when you don’t know me. So I think I have like, the Mean Girls Musical Movie effect. You know: they were embarrassed it was a musical so they didn’t advertised that it was a musical. So then the people who went and didn’t know it was a musical were like “Ew a musical,” and the people who went who wanted musical theater were like “Yawn they took the soul out of this musical.” So then no one liked the movie. Do you know what I mean?

Second of all, everyone on that app is so goddamn boring. I’m just being honest. And listen, I don’t really look very interesting on Hinge either, and that’s the problem.

I don’t think the dating app scene gives room for people to be a real human being rather than a Sear’s Holiday Catalogue of products that might be really cool, but because they are in the Sear’s Holiday Catalogue you kind of assume they aren’t.

But maybe if I met you at our mutual friend’s birthday party we’d really hit it off and our vibes would match up and I’d go home all giddy and excited for the next event we are both at where I can flirt with you again until ultimately you ask me for my number and then take me for drinks and then we fall in love.

Maybe something like that.

Anyways, Happy Valentine’s Day.

… Call me if you want. I’m not doing anything.